My anxiety - a disease of the soul
For many people, the word "anxiety" is a word that they believe is used as a label for weak-minded individuals. But there are those who takes it as part of those who have been through it. My thoughts when anxiety is said:
It's hard to say if it started with a giant stress on the first flight to my vacation but I remember my first one during dinner together at home. I may have had them as a child. I remember going to my grandmother's house in the evenings, often feeling sick. It always lasted about an hour, when my legs would shake and I would feel nauseous. Then it would pass and I could go to sleep.
I was afraid of what was happening to me. I wondered if I was sick and looked for physical problems. I underwent several unpleasant examinations and suffered through a lot of time - or rather, wasted it. I couldn't eat, sleep, go out, see people I liked. It killed the relationships I had. The not knowing was crazy. I was crazy to myself. I used to call myself a psychopath.
That moment when I hit a breaking point, a hard fall, and the realization that something was wrong with me. The realization that I'm drifting away from the people I love and I'm all alone. Loneliness destroys, kills, and consumes. Dark thoughts and the feeling of being trapped deepen states of overthinking. An endless spiral of fears, worries, and feelings of inferiority.
I fell to a low point in which I believed that my life was a punishment for my bad choices and that I would never live a normal life or enjoy life again. I will not fall in love, I will not travel, I will not do what I enjoy.
I've undergone several therapies, turned to medication, read tons of articles, and listened to tons of people just like me. Nothing made sense, nothing helped.
When my anxiety comes on, it first comes on like a snap of the fingers in the form of nervousness and restlessness. I have trouble breathing and I struggle to focus on my breathing or anything else in my environment. My pulse starts to race, I start sweating and restless and I start to feel like throwing up, and all I can think about is, for God's sake, let it end. It paralyzes me. It's like ALS of my soul and my thoughts. When the demon leaves and I can feel free again, all I feel is worthlessness and failure.
But then I realized that people with anxiety who can function in a normal world full of violence and evil are actually incredibly strong people. A person who doesn't experience this might not even make it.
Every improvement that has come has set me back 2 steps. But that's how life works. Never let someone next to you make you feel bad because you never know what the person next to you is experiencing inside. Help the one who needs it and be there for them. Anxiety is a part of us, even if we don't want it.
What about you and your anxiety?
