Agreement with the Enemy - Divorce (15.)

Someone once asked me what the hardest part of divorce is. I said going to the post office. And I stand by that. It was only a matter of time before our relationship reached that stage, and I decided to file. Writing it down wasn't hard. However, it took me almost two months to bring it to the post office. Even so, my hands were shaking and a very uncomfortable sinking feeling was holding my stomach by the skin of my teeth. I had no idea how she would react.

I didn't have to wait long. First, the marriage certificate mysteriously disappeared, then the birth certificate. And so I had to call the authorities for copies and prayed that I'd get it over with. A lot of other things disappeared, too. Let's see. These things aren't very pleasant. I was hoping it would go smoothly, but to keep it too simple.

The courthouse had me fooled right off the bat that I could ever possibly be a co-owner of our apartment. Let me tell you, it was a very cold shower. I had a little bit of the creeps trying to get at me for a while. I'll admit that without torture.

It wasn't until I was in court that I learned the whole background of the assignment of "our" apartment. I realized that the last-minute wedding wasn't that awfully romantic episode at all, but rather a calculated, pre-planned calculation. A week before the wedding, when they were really pushing us hard to prove the marriage certificate, he didn't slack off, bought flowers, coffee, maybe even a bottle of something, and voilà, as if by magic, I ceased to be a member of the co-op. How simple and easy. In all these years, he hasn't even bragged that we got married for nothing. Banal. That it was in the contract? A mere office gag. Nothing more. Why bother. I just kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry for the expression, but I couldn't find a better one.

So after the divorce, the question became. What's next? Being divorced was fine, but it didn't address the most important issues. Housing and living together. Basically, nothing changed. I just wasn't officially property anymore. Practically, I still was. Eternal groping was still the order of the day. It was as if he was mocking me. "You said at least you know I like you." But I didn't want that anymore. I felt humiliated. He was aware of his physical superiority whether I wanted him to or not. Most of the time, it came out of him like a barrel. He was starting to make me sick to my stomach.

We rented a garden in a nearby gardening colony. There was a little cottage in the shade under a walnut tree. It was a kind of refuge for me. A place to recharge my batteries, where I spent almost all my free time. Especially in the aftermath of his attack. It was very overgrown, but it was mine. Beautiful silence, strawberries, peaches, apricots, nuts... just beautiful. It felt so good. Gradually I discovered more and more overgrown corners.

I climbed on all fours, sometimes on my butt and meter by meter I uncovered overgrown beds. Oh, my God! The silence! This little piece of paradise in the middle of the city gradually gave me strength. The perfect convalescence for my aching mind and body.

I had this concrete sitting tub in my backyard. In the morning, I filled it with water, which warmed up during the day. In the evening, I'd soak in it, all dirty and sweaty. I rested my head on the edge, let my legs stick out, and looked with satisfaction at the result of my day's efforts. The summer rain started and a beautiful, rich rainbow spread across the sky. These were the most beautiful moments. Everything fell away from me and I felt wonderful.

13. Sorry - Not wanting to be with you anymore was just the logical outcome of our mutual pursuit. You taking my papers was childish and, more importantly, unnecessary. You must have known it was no problem to have a copy made. Just a minor, easily resolved complication you wanted to make my divorce uncomfortable. I'd wave my hand at that today. But the fact that you screwed me over before the wedding, when by all rights we should have been at the height of our infatuation, with our hearts on our sleeves. I expected everything, but this really hurt, but you know best. But it makes me less naive and less likely to fall for every nail.